decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
