There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Randomize
