Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
