Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Randomize
