I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
