stop calling my apartment porn island.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
