Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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