That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
