I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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