I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
