dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
