Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
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