I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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