I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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