I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
