While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Randomize
