The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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