just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
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