The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
