I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
he had hair everywhere except his balls
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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