turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
