I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
We were destined to go to rehab together
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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