I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Someone shit on the floor
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
