god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
