well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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