I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize