it's too hot outside to masturbate.
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
there was a trapeze. enough said
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
foreskin is a definite game changer
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
