with your own penis?
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
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