my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
