And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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