At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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