That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
