I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
