every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
