I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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