my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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