Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
