You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
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