i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Randomize
