I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
