I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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