Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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