So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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