I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
