I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Randomize
