So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
