You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
