Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
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I need you to use more vowels.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
