Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
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