I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Do you remember whose house we're in?
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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