if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
