I met the friendliest cop last night
Baton twirling is one of his activities on facebook.
Also he is "an Ohio stae gran champion twirler". You cannot tell me he's straight
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Randomize
