Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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