I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
